Thanksgiving

So today is thanksgiving and I do have alot to be thankful for. I have the worlds greatest husband, I love and adore him and can't imagine my life without him!! I have two of the greatest children anyone could ever ask for. They are smart and funny and an absolute joy to be around!! I have a great job and I enjoy going to work and knowing that I have helped someone on that day!! I have an awesome and beautiful house, that is filled with anything I ever wanted or could want!! I have a family that is dysfunctional but a family!! I have a best friend that never never never judges me and is always the voice of reason with me!! I do not have the brand new camaro I want and I did not get pregnant or find a family to share ivf with but I am thankful and blessed. God to you I give thanks for all I have, you are my lord and gave me your son to be my savior and for this I am most thankful!! Glory be to God!!

moving on

So far we have moved on as much as we can. The 3 year anniversary of Chloe came and went like any other day. We have been planning our ski trip and trying to stay busy. I have been going out with girlfriends alot lately and watching alot of bands play and just having fun. I can say that I am not totally obsessed like I was before about TTC but it still plays around in my head from time to time. I still think about having surgery and letting it just happen if it is going to happen. But until then we are trying to enjoy this life as much as we can. I am not missed in any blessings by no means because I do have Joseph and Noah in my life and God do I love them. I would die for them as any parent would for their child and I pray to God that they are being blessed everyday and that life is all they want it to be.

Quiter!!

Well we have really quit TTC!! No more at all under no circumstance!! I feel sad and depressed and I know that I am sure it will pass and life will move on but I just dont know when. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up of our 19week4day fetal demise of miss Chloe and I feel more hurt right now than I think I did the day I had to give birth. *SIGH*

Surgery or IVF

I am going to have a laparoscopy done to see how damaged my tubes are. If they are within any kind of reasonable shape we are going to opt for a new technique of tubal surgery. If they are shit we are going to proceed with IVF. I think this is what suits us best and I know that God will guide us in our decision making and will be walking hand in hand as we continue on this fertility journey. At least we have some sort of diagnosis and a plan. I continue to pray for peace and give thanks for what I do have in my life. Thanks be to God for my life, my husband, my children and my health.

Emotional break down

I feel like I am really going to lose it soon. We are sinking in debt with all of the medical bills Leah's little stunt racked up. We are fighting the insurance companies to pay for them but I am not holding my breath. I am trying to hold our household together but I seem to be sinking myself. I think I might need something for anxiety but as a nurse it is really frowned on to be taking meds. I always thought having a baby would make me happy but right now I don't think that is my problem. I feel like I am stuck in every situation and the more I try and fight the farther I sink. I am awaiting an answer to getting our home loan modified since we did not qualify for a refinance. I can't seem to figure out how we went from making $30,000 a year with perfect credit to making $200,000+ a year and our credit in the shit hole!! It just does not make sense. If all else fails I think we may actually have to ask my in laws to help us refinance our house. I am not sure if AF is on her way and that's why I am so emotional or if she is planning to stay away for 9 months and that's my issue. We shall see soon!

Selling it all off!!

OK so we are selling just about all the extra things we have worked so hard for!! Why you ask.....to keep trying for a baby! I know we are kinda like gluten's for punishment. We have no infertility benefits and we really don't want to give up yet. We are trying to get accepted into a clinical trial that pays for your medications. We don't want to take out a loan and we really refuse to dip into our retirement or savings so we are willing to give up a few things. We have had several people come look at the boat and the travel trailer. Selling both of them would give us the $14,000 we need to pay for the shared risk program and then we can always pay for the meds (if we don't get the trial) out of my paychecks (and maybe dip from savings if need be). So we have a plan and I hope we get an offer soon on our stuff. We are not going to do another round till Sept/Oct so that gives me more time to lose some more weight, save some more money, and go in vacation!!

Working it off!!

I went back to work last week and boy was it a long week. I had a few issues with eating things I shouldn't but otherwise good. I am losing weight and I can still eat just about anything right now. I have not had a fill in my band yet and I am hoping that when I return to the doctor June 16th that he puts 3-4 cc in my band and can really give me some restriction. I can't wait to really feel like this is working a little more and faster than I feel right now. Anyways life keeps moving on and I keep on keepin on. BTW I wore a pair of Levi's capri pants today that I bought over a year ago that I could not fit into and it felt GREAT!!! Even my husband said to me "your wearing jeans, you haven't wore jeans in a really long time." Glad he is noticing!! ;) ;)

As I am

As I sit here today complaining about how sore I am or how badly I want a baby I am guilty in my thoughts. Aimme and Adam Freeman are the parents to Kayleigh, the one pound miracle. Sadly enough little Kayleigh passed away Monday May 11th. Please pray for this young family as they make their way through this tragic episode in their lives. Most of us on my blog and most of all my friends blogs are all here because of some sort of fertility issue and we all know how hard this is and sadly most of us have all had losses. May Kayleigh rest in peace in her heavenly father's arms knowing that some day she will be with her parents again! God bless you Aimee and Adam!!

Change in plans!!

So my husband has decided to go back to college and it is great. The only thing is can I afford to change jobs? I am going to pray about all of this and hope that Gods plan is done. I have not even received a job offer yet but I am certain that the cancer center is going to call me!! At least I hope they do. Anyways Johnny going back to school is really going to be the best thing he has ever done for us and I know he is going to be great!! His career now is totally dependant on the oil field and as we all know the price of oil is in the dumps! This will also allow him to do what he has always wanted to do, be a game warden. It is a great career, I can get a job anywhere he is stationed and we will get to move all over Texas and both always have a job. I am so ready for him to do this and I know this is the best thing! Anyways as you can tell I am excited!! Really excited!!

Baby Fever

There are some days when all I do is think, pray, hope, wish, and cry for a baby! BUT then there are those days I have worked my ass off for some of the worst patients ever and I never want to have kids again......it's usually short lasted though! I am still working on losing all the weight to be at my goal and if all goes well I will get the job at the cancer center. US oncology offers fertility benefits to all employees and with all the weight loss and the benefits I just know we would get our BFP!! Financially we cannot pay for another round of IVF out of our pocket. We have spent well over $30,000 and we just can't do it again. I am praying that this is all in Gods plan and that in the next week I will get called back for a second interview and then get an offer!! God really has been so great to Johnny and I and I give thanks!

Easter

Happy Easter Everyone!! I had to work all weekend and did not get to do anything for Easter but at least it was a quiet day in L&D!! I hope everyone had a great Easter and may God bless you all!!

Finally frustrated

So I decided to go back to work today, broken ankle and all!! Dr. Reily, the orthopedic doctor, said it was fine and gave me a release. So I am at work and after being there over 3 hours I find out my "boss" did not approve me to come back because I am in a boot!! So I don't know how long I will be off and I need the money! I am trying really hard to be patient and wait for them to call me back and let me know the verdict but I am freaking PISSED!! They knew Thursday that I was coming back and no one even bothered to call and let me know not to!! I so cant wait to hear about my applications I put in! I turned one job down because it was a pay cut and I would be driving 110 miles a day to the office. I know alot of my online friends commute daily and that seems like nothing but for a small town like mine it is absurd! I am so hoping the cancer center likes my resume and calls me back soon!! I would also love to stay inside the hospital and just transfer to the Nuclear Medicine Unit!! Hoping and Waiting LOL!!

Blow to the pocektbook!!

Ok so today I found out that our house payment is going up!! Not just a little bit but nearly $500!! Not to mention I have been off work so much and AFLAC isn't as good as people think it is!! I am so stressed and nervous about Johnny losing his job in this economy that I have taken on a PRN job at home hospice along with my regular job at the hospital! I want to change jobs so bad that there is noway in hell I can do it now and take a pay cut. I know that we make way more money than the average family does and I wonder how we ever made it. I know we will survive anything that comes our way, we already have, but I just wonder if this economy is ever going to pick back up or if we are fixing to be living in the 2nd great depression!! OBAMA sucks....he didn't fix shit, and all the big wig CEO's are still getting it hand over fist!! Why the hell doesn't someone stand up and put an end to this crap!! Bush was no saint but Obama isn't even close to Bush!

Birthday!!

Ok so today is my father n laws birthday and with that said I think I should post about my moms 60th birthday party!!

We had a blast and I was so happy that everyone showed up and not fights broke out (what can I say....I am a redneck Texas family) DH and I bought so much food and cooked way to much, the kids had a blast playing with the dogs and cats and riding the jeeps in the yard, my mom got alot of good presents, and most of all my mom had a wonderful time and was soooooo happy!!

It is hard to believe that I am 32 and my mom is 60!! WOW....time has flown by. My oldest neice turned 21 in January and she has 2 beautiful step-kids of her own!! I have posted a few pictures from the party....hope you can see how much fun we had!!

Clutsy woman!!

Ok so I have never been one to be called "grace" but apparently I am LOL. Yesterday I went to meet Johnny for lunch and as we are leaving the resteraunt I somehow FALL!! But not only do I fall, I break my left ankle, busted open my right knee and embarress myself completely. So I am in bed with it propped up waiting till Thursday to go see an Orthopedist!! Yesterday after I got home I cried like a baby because I felt like I was going insane. I mean when am I going to get a break. So someone today on Mybabish told me I have to hit rock bottom to start going back up and I am thinking I am almost there!! I need to re-evaluate my life, my faith, and my dreams. I need to start going to church again and renew my relationship with God. I need to me more optomistic but realistic with my life, dreams, and desires. Maybe I am being punished for all the bad things I have done in life. I am not perfect, nor ever claimed to be. I am not better than anyone else, yet have thought that while judging someone. I am not as special to this world as I would like to think I am. I am one person, one average person, one everyday person. Why should I think I should have the world at my feet when so many other one persons does not. I think I need to make sure my chldren are raised in the word of God and become the best people they can become. Something I have let slip to the wayside. I see now where I have gone wrong in my life and my childrens lives. Noah and Joseph live in this house and I need to make sure that as long as I am responsible for them they should learn about responsibility, faith, and friendship. Ok so off to meet Mr. Darvocet again!!

2 things!!

JUST 2 THINGS

Two names you go by
1. Melissa
2. Mel

Two things you're wearing now:
1. Black stretch pants
2. Orange shirt

Two things you would want in a relationship:
1. Honesty
2. Respect

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Spend time with my family and friends
2. Decorate

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. To be pregnant
2. To be able to come up with the money for the shared risk program

Two things you did yesterday:
1. Slept
2. Watched Twilight

Two things you ate yesterday:
1. Chicken enchiladas
2. Crescent rolls

Two people you last talked to:
1. My Husband
2. My best friend

Two things you're doing tomorrow:
1. Orientate with hospice house
2. Having lunch with my husband

Two favorite holidays:
1. Thanksgiving
2. Halloween

Two favorite beverages:
1. Dr Pepper
2. Ice Tea

Two people no longer alive that you'd like to talk to:
1. My father
2. My brother N Law

Two people you are tagging to fill this out:
1. Teri
2. Kristen

Thoughtful Thursdays

I follow a couple of blogs that do "thoughtful thursday". I think this is an awesome idea that the whole world can benefit and learn from. The idea is that on Thursday you are going to go out and do something extra ordinary for someone else. It can be a stranger or someone you know, love, or hate. But do it with kindness and only to do it and hope it gets pay forwarded. Do not do it with the intentions to get something back or that you will be "doing one better" than the next person but only for the gift of doing it. God has given us a great blessing to be here in this big world with technology to to "know" people all around the world. Take the opportunity to learn from your "neighbor" and PRAY for our world like you have never prayed before.

Going home

As of Friday March 13, 2009 I will be free again, I get to go home!! This is going to be so wonderful. I will have lots of limits and boundaries for a few more weeks since I have no immune system. But home......how can I argue with that!! Thanks for all the prayers and support!! Now on to getting well and finally starting TTC again!! Ok maybe not right away but soon. I want to post some pics but not sure how on here and I have no clue of how to change my blog. I thought I could do it similar to Myspace but its not!! anyways!!

Hospital blues

So I have been hospital bound for 22 days now and I am going insane. I am very much a person who likes to be in control and I have no control lately in here. They are bossing me around like I am a 2 year old and it really hacks me off!! If I did not have a family that I needed to live for I would so be out of here AMA!! I am counting down the days till a possible release (22 days). I have been told that my bloodwork shows a spike in white cells and I might have an infection growing somewhere. This has sent my doctor on a whirlwind of do's and dont's and rants and rages. Neither one of us are willing to back down on this situation and until I feel sick and know that something in this room that I brought from home is the culprit I WILL NOT be sending anything home. I mean c'mon....I am limited to only my mom and my husband visiting, no fresh fruit, no fresh flowers, cant open the window and cant go outside these for walls consiting of about 10'x10'. Hell my closet at home is like 10'x14'. Really people stop the insanity!! No wonder they want to send in a psychologist to talk to me. They are making me fucking crazy in here LMAO!!

Hobby Lobby

So most people know I LOVE hobby lobby. I am constantly decorating my house and I go there at least 2 times a week....My bank probably knows exactly how many times I go there in a month :) :)
So yesterday was no exception....I am there looking for new items for the house and buying tissue paper for my neices gifts. I am walking along and I notice not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 pregnant women in the store. I silently think to myself I wish I was pregnant. So I continue to mind my own business and browse the store and low and behold I find that they have moved some aisles around. I walk right down an aisle full of baby shower items. STUPID STUPID ME.....I stop and start looking and next thing you know I am standing in the middle of the aisle bawling like a baby!!!
The thought that I will never hold a small miracle in my arms and rock them to sleep, or never smell the sweet smell of a baby, or never spend sleepless nights watching my beautiful child sleep, or never have that moment with my husband kills me.
I used to spend countless hours on my days off looking up new fertility treatments and cheaper ways to IVF and new RE's. Now I spend countless hours looking up breast cancer and treatments and odds and statistics. I am a total emotional mess and just when I think I am getting together something like Hobby Lobby hits me right in the face!! It has been said that you must fall to the bottom before you can get back up.....at this rate I am going to break every bone in my body with all the falling I am doing!!

Finally the big day

I started this blog awhile back and have never posted the address for fear of being embarrased at all my failures. Today I am ready to open our home and hearts for all to know and love. I have met some of the best women on my IVF boards and I know that this blog will only bring me closer to them and let me meet other women who share the same heartaches, love and miracles as I do. Johnny never really says what he thinks about me blogging and I hope he understands that it has nothing to do with telling all of our business but to help me heal, grow, understand, and move on. I welcome all comments, advice, and anything anyone has to add. Thanks and welcome to my blog!!

New Blog

I have decided to start this blog so our family and friends can follow along with our crazy life journey.



The beginning: Johnny and I met and started dating in August 2002. We met while I was bartending at the Neon Moon and Johnny was working at Athletic Supply. We got engaged in June of 2003 and we got married December 19, 2003. We bought our very first house together March 2004. It was a small (1396 sq ft) foreclosed home with an inground pool in a sub-community (Lawndale) that I loved. We totally remodeled the house and it was a great mix of our personalities.

We always knew we wanted to have children and we got pregnant "accidently" in October 2002. We were scared and excited all in one but knew it would all work out. Sadly it ended in miscarriage December 24, 2002. We actively started trying to have children a few months after we got married. We tried for about a year with no luck and decided to "quit" trying. I was finishing up my nursing degree when I went to the doctor for a UTI. To both of our surprises I was pregnant!! We were ecstatic and couldn't wait to bring a child into this world. We went to my OB/GYN and started our prenatal care right away. At 8 weeks we got our first sonogram and everything looked great. We were due in April 07 and we were scheduled to come back in 4 weeks. At 12 weeks the doctor noticed I was measuring 16 weeks and wanted another sonogram. She diagnosed me with early polyhydramnios (lots of fluid) and wanted to see me again in 2 weeks. At 14 weeks I was measuring 20 weeks and yet another ultrasound. I had even more fluid and the baby's heart rate was slower than it should be. The doctor told me not to worry and she thought everything was going to be just fine. So at 16 weeks the heart rate had slowed again and I now looked like I was 8 months pregnant and I was scheduled to see a perinatologist. I saw Dr. Blanco at 18 weeks and the baby's heart rate was in the 80s and was not beating right. He told me that if I make it to term more than likely the baby would not survive. At 19 weeks, looking like I was due anyday, I started bleeding and at 19 weeks 4 days I had fetal demise.

I was devistated. WE were devistated. Johnny had wanted nothing more than to have a child of his own and the wife he chose could not seem to give him that. I was a failure. I had recently lost 125 pounds and I quickly gained it all back and then some. Back to being a fat failure of a wife. Althgouh I didn't want to be around anyone everyone came to our house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was miserable and on a downward spiral to nowhere real quick!

So after almost a year we went to see a fertility specialist here in town. She would not help up us till I lost 60 pounds and she was more concerned at what was wrong with the fetus we were carrying vs why I was having trouble carrying. I was PISSED!! I want a baby and I dont want to keep having to wait!! So I found a new doctor. Dr. Sami Jabara in Lubbock, Texas. I filled out all the papers and sent them in, waited for my appointment and went. I loved everyone in the clinic and Dr. Jabara thought IVF was the best route to go and gave us an 80% chance of success.
In February 2008 we sold our house and made the money we needed to begin the In Vitro. We started the inections and began the long process. We had 21 eggs retrieved, 18 were mature and 12 fertilized. We put back to blasts and all the others stalled and we were left with none to freeze. I was not concerned because this was going to work. WRONG!! it did not work and on March 19, 2008 I receieved my BFN (big fat negative). How could this be happening to me? How could my husband stand to be with me knowing he may never have children? Why God, Why?
So after a long battle of should or shouldnt we, we decided to do ONE last cycle. It was going to cost us more this time because Dr. Jabara wanted to do ICSI and do a different protocol. We scrimped and saved and had the money to do it. In August I started Lupron shots and in Sept I started stims. I felt awesome this was going to work. I did not stim as well as last time but it was ok, God was doing his will. We had 18 eggs retrieved and 12 were mature. 8 fertilized and we put 3 back on day 3. Day 6 all the others died. Once again we had none to freeze for a future FET!! I am so devastated! Johnny is optimistic that we dont need them. I cramped and rested and cramped and rested. I finally did go back to work and I had no spotting or any other reason to think this did not work. BUT I could not hold out and started peeing on a stick. All BFN........We were suppose to test Oct 9th (my dad's and Johnny's birthday). We tested Oct 8 instead because I was going crazy and once again BFN!! WTF!! How is this happening again.

So now it is January 2009. A whole new year and a whole new me. Well not yet! I am having the lap-band procedure done and I am hoping that in Oct or Nov 2009 we can do one more cycle of IVF. It will be hard to convince Johnny to spend the money again and it will be hard to not worry that we will be let down once again.

I am trying to re-new my faith in God and know that this is God's will and that I have to accept that I am not in control (I am a control freak). Johnny is also dealing with something inside him he does not share. I have to work hard at not letting my insecurities get the best of me and know that he is ever faithful to our marriage, with or without children.