So most people know I LOVE hobby lobby. I am constantly decorating my house and I go there at least 2 times a week....My bank probably knows exactly how many times I go there in a month :) :)
So yesterday was no exception....I am there looking for new items for the house and buying tissue paper for my neices gifts. I am walking along and I notice not 1, not 2, not 3, but 4 pregnant women in the store. I silently think to myself I wish I was pregnant. So I continue to mind my own business and browse the store and low and behold I find that they have moved some aisles around. I walk right down an aisle full of baby shower items. STUPID STUPID ME.....I stop and start looking and next thing you know I am standing in the middle of the aisle bawling like a baby!!!
The thought that I will never hold a small miracle in my arms and rock them to sleep, or never smell the sweet smell of a baby, or never spend sleepless nights watching my beautiful child sleep, or never have that moment with my husband kills me.
I used to spend countless hours on my days off looking up new fertility treatments and cheaper ways to IVF and new RE's. Now I spend countless hours looking up breast cancer and treatments and odds and statistics. I am a total emotional mess and just when I think I am getting together something like Hobby Lobby hits me right in the face!! It has been said that you must fall to the bottom before you can get back up.....at this rate I am going to break every bone in my body with all the falling I am doing!!
Thursday, January 29, 2009
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Finally the big day
I started this blog awhile back and have never posted the address for fear of being embarrased at all my failures. Today I am ready to open our home and hearts for all to know and love. I have met some of the best women on my IVF boards and I know that this blog will only bring me closer to them and let me meet other women who share the same heartaches, love and miracles as I do. Johnny never really says what he thinks about me blogging and I hope he understands that it has nothing to do with telling all of our business but to help me heal, grow, understand, and move on. I welcome all comments, advice, and anything anyone has to add. Thanks and welcome to my blog!!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
New Blog
I have decided to start this blog so our family and friends can follow along with our crazy life journey.
The beginning: Johnny and I met and started dating in August 2002. We met while I was bartending at the Neon Moon and Johnny was working at Athletic Supply. We got engaged in June of 2003 and we got married December 19, 2003. We bought our very first house together March 2004. It was a small (1396 sq ft) foreclosed home with an inground pool in a sub-community (Lawndale) that I loved. We totally remodeled the house and it was a great mix of our personalities.
We always knew we wanted to have children and we got pregnant "accidently" in October 2002. We were scared and excited all in one but knew it would all work out. Sadly it ended in miscarriage December 24, 2002. We actively started trying to have children a few months after we got married. We tried for about a year with no luck and decided to "quit" trying. I was finishing up my nursing degree when I went to the doctor for a UTI. To both of our surprises I was pregnant!! We were ecstatic and couldn't wait to bring a child into this world. We went to my OB/GYN and started our prenatal care right away. At 8 weeks we got our first sonogram and everything looked great. We were due in April 07 and we were scheduled to come back in 4 weeks. At 12 weeks the doctor noticed I was measuring 16 weeks and wanted another sonogram. She diagnosed me with early polyhydramnios (lots of fluid) and wanted to see me again in 2 weeks. At 14 weeks I was measuring 20 weeks and yet another ultrasound. I had even more fluid and the baby's heart rate was slower than it should be. The doctor told me not to worry and she thought everything was going to be just fine. So at 16 weeks the heart rate had slowed again and I now looked like I was 8 months pregnant and I was scheduled to see a perinatologist. I saw Dr. Blanco at 18 weeks and the baby's heart rate was in the 80s and was not beating right. He told me that if I make it to term more than likely the baby would not survive. At 19 weeks, looking like I was due anyday, I started bleeding and at 19 weeks 4 days I had fetal demise.
I was devistated. WE were devistated. Johnny had wanted nothing more than to have a child of his own and the wife he chose could not seem to give him that. I was a failure. I had recently lost 125 pounds and I quickly gained it all back and then some. Back to being a fat failure of a wife. Althgouh I didn't want to be around anyone everyone came to our house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was miserable and on a downward spiral to nowhere real quick!
So after almost a year we went to see a fertility specialist here in town. She would not help up us till I lost 60 pounds and she was more concerned at what was wrong with the fetus we were carrying vs why I was having trouble carrying. I was PISSED!! I want a baby and I dont want to keep having to wait!! So I found a new doctor. Dr. Sami Jabara in Lubbock, Texas. I filled out all the papers and sent them in, waited for my appointment and went. I loved everyone in the clinic and Dr. Jabara thought IVF was the best route to go and gave us an 80% chance of success.
In February 2008 we sold our house and made the money we needed to begin the In Vitro. We started the inections and began the long process. We had 21 eggs retrieved, 18 were mature and 12 fertilized. We put back to blasts and all the others stalled and we were left with none to freeze. I was not concerned because this was going to work. WRONG!! it did not work and on March 19, 2008 I receieved my BFN (big fat negative). How could this be happening to me? How could my husband stand to be with me knowing he may never have children? Why God, Why?
So after a long battle of should or shouldnt we, we decided to do ONE last cycle. It was going to cost us more this time because Dr. Jabara wanted to do ICSI and do a different protocol. We scrimped and saved and had the money to do it. In August I started Lupron shots and in Sept I started stims. I felt awesome this was going to work. I did not stim as well as last time but it was ok, God was doing his will. We had 18 eggs retrieved and 12 were mature. 8 fertilized and we put 3 back on day 3. Day 6 all the others died. Once again we had none to freeze for a future FET!! I am so devastated! Johnny is optimistic that we dont need them. I cramped and rested and cramped and rested. I finally did go back to work and I had no spotting or any other reason to think this did not work. BUT I could not hold out and started peeing on a stick. All BFN........We were suppose to test Oct 9th (my dad's and Johnny's birthday). We tested Oct 8 instead because I was going crazy and once again BFN!! WTF!! How is this happening again.
So now it is January 2009. A whole new year and a whole new me. Well not yet! I am having the lap-band procedure done and I am hoping that in Oct or Nov 2009 we can do one more cycle of IVF. It will be hard to convince Johnny to spend the money again and it will be hard to not worry that we will be let down once again.
I am trying to re-new my faith in God and know that this is God's will and that I have to accept that I am not in control (I am a control freak). Johnny is also dealing with something inside him he does not share. I have to work hard at not letting my insecurities get the best of me and know that he is ever faithful to our marriage, with or without children.
The beginning: Johnny and I met and started dating in August 2002. We met while I was bartending at the Neon Moon and Johnny was working at Athletic Supply. We got engaged in June of 2003 and we got married December 19, 2003. We bought our very first house together March 2004. It was a small (1396 sq ft) foreclosed home with an inground pool in a sub-community (Lawndale) that I loved. We totally remodeled the house and it was a great mix of our personalities.
We always knew we wanted to have children and we got pregnant "accidently" in October 2002. We were scared and excited all in one but knew it would all work out. Sadly it ended in miscarriage December 24, 2002. We actively started trying to have children a few months after we got married. We tried for about a year with no luck and decided to "quit" trying. I was finishing up my nursing degree when I went to the doctor for a UTI. To both of our surprises I was pregnant!! We were ecstatic and couldn't wait to bring a child into this world. We went to my OB/GYN and started our prenatal care right away. At 8 weeks we got our first sonogram and everything looked great. We were due in April 07 and we were scheduled to come back in 4 weeks. At 12 weeks the doctor noticed I was measuring 16 weeks and wanted another sonogram. She diagnosed me with early polyhydramnios (lots of fluid) and wanted to see me again in 2 weeks. At 14 weeks I was measuring 20 weeks and yet another ultrasound. I had even more fluid and the baby's heart rate was slower than it should be. The doctor told me not to worry and she thought everything was going to be just fine. So at 16 weeks the heart rate had slowed again and I now looked like I was 8 months pregnant and I was scheduled to see a perinatologist. I saw Dr. Blanco at 18 weeks and the baby's heart rate was in the 80s and was not beating right. He told me that if I make it to term more than likely the baby would not survive. At 19 weeks, looking like I was due anyday, I started bleeding and at 19 weeks 4 days I had fetal demise.
I was devistated. WE were devistated. Johnny had wanted nothing more than to have a child of his own and the wife he chose could not seem to give him that. I was a failure. I had recently lost 125 pounds and I quickly gained it all back and then some. Back to being a fat failure of a wife. Althgouh I didn't want to be around anyone everyone came to our house for Thanksgiving and Christmas. I was miserable and on a downward spiral to nowhere real quick!
So after almost a year we went to see a fertility specialist here in town. She would not help up us till I lost 60 pounds and she was more concerned at what was wrong with the fetus we were carrying vs why I was having trouble carrying. I was PISSED!! I want a baby and I dont want to keep having to wait!! So I found a new doctor. Dr. Sami Jabara in Lubbock, Texas. I filled out all the papers and sent them in, waited for my appointment and went. I loved everyone in the clinic and Dr. Jabara thought IVF was the best route to go and gave us an 80% chance of success.
In February 2008 we sold our house and made the money we needed to begin the In Vitro. We started the inections and began the long process. We had 21 eggs retrieved, 18 were mature and 12 fertilized. We put back to blasts and all the others stalled and we were left with none to freeze. I was not concerned because this was going to work. WRONG!! it did not work and on March 19, 2008 I receieved my BFN (big fat negative). How could this be happening to me? How could my husband stand to be with me knowing he may never have children? Why God, Why?
So after a long battle of should or shouldnt we, we decided to do ONE last cycle. It was going to cost us more this time because Dr. Jabara wanted to do ICSI and do a different protocol. We scrimped and saved and had the money to do it. In August I started Lupron shots and in Sept I started stims. I felt awesome this was going to work. I did not stim as well as last time but it was ok, God was doing his will. We had 18 eggs retrieved and 12 were mature. 8 fertilized and we put 3 back on day 3. Day 6 all the others died. Once again we had none to freeze for a future FET!! I am so devastated! Johnny is optimistic that we dont need them. I cramped and rested and cramped and rested. I finally did go back to work and I had no spotting or any other reason to think this did not work. BUT I could not hold out and started peeing on a stick. All BFN........We were suppose to test Oct 9th (my dad's and Johnny's birthday). We tested Oct 8 instead because I was going crazy and once again BFN!! WTF!! How is this happening again.
So now it is January 2009. A whole new year and a whole new me. Well not yet! I am having the lap-band procedure done and I am hoping that in Oct or Nov 2009 we can do one more cycle of IVF. It will be hard to convince Johnny to spend the money again and it will be hard to not worry that we will be let down once again.
I am trying to re-new my faith in God and know that this is God's will and that I have to accept that I am not in control (I am a control freak). Johnny is also dealing with something inside him he does not share. I have to work hard at not letting my insecurities get the best of me and know that he is ever faithful to our marriage, with or without children.
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