Thanksgiving

So today is thanksgiving and I do have alot to be thankful for. I have the worlds greatest husband, I love and adore him and can't imagine my life without him!! I have two of the greatest children anyone could ever ask for. They are smart and funny and an absolute joy to be around!! I have a great job and I enjoy going to work and knowing that I have helped someone on that day!! I have an awesome and beautiful house, that is filled with anything I ever wanted or could want!! I have a family that is dysfunctional but a family!! I have a best friend that never never never judges me and is always the voice of reason with me!! I do not have the brand new camaro I want and I did not get pregnant or find a family to share ivf with but I am thankful and blessed. God to you I give thanks for all I have, you are my lord and gave me your son to be my savior and for this I am most thankful!! Glory be to God!!

moving on

So far we have moved on as much as we can. The 3 year anniversary of Chloe came and went like any other day. We have been planning our ski trip and trying to stay busy. I have been going out with girlfriends alot lately and watching alot of bands play and just having fun. I can say that I am not totally obsessed like I was before about TTC but it still plays around in my head from time to time. I still think about having surgery and letting it just happen if it is going to happen. But until then we are trying to enjoy this life as much as we can. I am not missed in any blessings by no means because I do have Joseph and Noah in my life and God do I love them. I would die for them as any parent would for their child and I pray to God that they are being blessed everyday and that life is all they want it to be.

Quiter!!

Well we have really quit TTC!! No more at all under no circumstance!! I feel sad and depressed and I know that I am sure it will pass and life will move on but I just dont know when. Our 3 year anniversary is coming up of our 19week4day fetal demise of miss Chloe and I feel more hurt right now than I think I did the day I had to give birth. *SIGH*

Surgery or IVF

I am going to have a laparoscopy done to see how damaged my tubes are. If they are within any kind of reasonable shape we are going to opt for a new technique of tubal surgery. If they are shit we are going to proceed with IVF. I think this is what suits us best and I know that God will guide us in our decision making and will be walking hand in hand as we continue on this fertility journey. At least we have some sort of diagnosis and a plan. I continue to pray for peace and give thanks for what I do have in my life. Thanks be to God for my life, my husband, my children and my health.

Emotional break down

I feel like I am really going to lose it soon. We are sinking in debt with all of the medical bills Leah's little stunt racked up. We are fighting the insurance companies to pay for them but I am not holding my breath. I am trying to hold our household together but I seem to be sinking myself. I think I might need something for anxiety but as a nurse it is really frowned on to be taking meds. I always thought having a baby would make me happy but right now I don't think that is my problem. I feel like I am stuck in every situation and the more I try and fight the farther I sink. I am awaiting an answer to getting our home loan modified since we did not qualify for a refinance. I can't seem to figure out how we went from making $30,000 a year with perfect credit to making $200,000+ a year and our credit in the shit hole!! It just does not make sense. If all else fails I think we may actually have to ask my in laws to help us refinance our house. I am not sure if AF is on her way and that's why I am so emotional or if she is planning to stay away for 9 months and that's my issue. We shall see soon!

Selling it all off!!

OK so we are selling just about all the extra things we have worked so hard for!! Why you ask.....to keep trying for a baby! I know we are kinda like gluten's for punishment. We have no infertility benefits and we really don't want to give up yet. We are trying to get accepted into a clinical trial that pays for your medications. We don't want to take out a loan and we really refuse to dip into our retirement or savings so we are willing to give up a few things. We have had several people come look at the boat and the travel trailer. Selling both of them would give us the $14,000 we need to pay for the shared risk program and then we can always pay for the meds (if we don't get the trial) out of my paychecks (and maybe dip from savings if need be). So we have a plan and I hope we get an offer soon on our stuff. We are not going to do another round till Sept/Oct so that gives me more time to lose some more weight, save some more money, and go in vacation!!

Working it off!!

I went back to work last week and boy was it a long week. I had a few issues with eating things I shouldn't but otherwise good. I am losing weight and I can still eat just about anything right now. I have not had a fill in my band yet and I am hoping that when I return to the doctor June 16th that he puts 3-4 cc in my band and can really give me some restriction. I can't wait to really feel like this is working a little more and faster than I feel right now. Anyways life keeps moving on and I keep on keepin on. BTW I wore a pair of Levi's capri pants today that I bought over a year ago that I could not fit into and it felt GREAT!!! Even my husband said to me "your wearing jeans, you haven't wore jeans in a really long time." Glad he is noticing!! ;) ;)